Telling Chris he was going to be a dad was one of the best days of my life. We went back into the fertility clinic a week later and had our first ultrasound. We heard our baby's heartbeat for the first time. It was that day that I started to live and breathe being pregnant. I wanted to know everything there was to know about it. I downloaded 2 or 3 pregnancy apps that counted the days along the way. I couldn't wait to see what my baby would look like as each week passed. We called the baby "poppy" because it was only the size of a poppy seed when we first found out. Chris and I talked to our baby all the time. We celebrated our 4th wedding anniversary that month. It all was perfect timing. We had so much to celebrate.
The first time I went to my OBGYN, I was so excited to sign in on the "Pregnant Patients" clipboard. It was so special to be sitting in that office for a different reason. My OB was so excited for me! She knew the journey I had already been on and loved to know we had success with our first try of IUI. With each passing week, I took a belly picture and kept a pregnancy scrapbook and journal. Chris and I decided to wait to tell the rest of the world until I was at least 12 weeks. It was a fun secret to keep, but I couldn't wait to tell everyone! One of my friends was pregnant as well and only a couple weeks ahead of me. Around 18 weeks she discovered she was bleeding. My heart sank. That was all I read about for signs of a miscarriage. She received the heartbreaking news that afternoon that her baby had died. How could this happen? It seemed so impossible. I thought I was almost in the “safe zone” and her baby was gone. I was frozen with fear. I couldn’t believe what she was going through. It made me question everything. I became neurotic about my own pregnancy. I wanted to be able to check on its heartbeat at every moment. I made an appointment with my OB after explaining what had happened, I just needed reassurance. After hearing the heartbeat, the nurse assured me that what had happened to my friend was very rare after reaching the 12 week mark. I remember her words "It will not happen to you". I never got over the anxiety after that day. I was constantly scared I would lose my baby. My mom bought me a monitor that allowed me to listen to the baby’s heartbeat. At first the baby was too little to hear the heartbeat. But I could occasionally hear a loud "thump" when he or she kicked.
This was going to be the first grandchild on both sides, so he or she was already very loved. Each week I would send a belly picture to my mom and Chris' mom. Everyone was so involved in watching our baby grow. Each time I went to my doctor, I would find out more and more about our little one. I loved seeing him or her in the ultrasound. It was just amazing that this little thing was really inside of me, that this little thing was going to be our child. I still needed constant reassurance that everything was alright. I was always told everything was so perfect. "He or she has beautiful long legs", "look at that cute nose".
We spent the holidays with our families. I made a few ornaments for our baby that said “Baby’s 1st Christmas”. I loved thinking of how wonderful next Christmas would be, opening presents with our 6 month old. Sharing such magical moments with our child seemed so exciting.
Chris and I went to our next appointment together. I loved watching him see our baby on the screen. The technician captured the most amazing picture of our little one bringing its hand up to its mouth to suck its thumb. Seeing those five little fingers made me so happy inside. I was so in love with this child. I still had a lot of anxiety. I couldn’t wait to be able to feel our baby kick. I felt like maybe then I would be able to relax a little bit more.
The day came that Chris and I would go to the ultrasound and find out what we were having. Throughout the pregnancy I felt like I was having a girl. Everyone around us guessed it was a girl as well. I liked the idea of having that mother-daughter bond, painting nails together, doing her hair. I remember randomly wearing blue flats that day. Waiting in the lobby and little boy was running around with a balloon. I looked at the balloon and it said "It’s a Boy!"... I thought, is that a sign? The ultrasound tech started and that wonderful black and white image appeared. She went from head to toe then asked if we wanted to find out. She typed the three letters across the screen, B-O-Y. Chris and I were silent. I think it was just shock because we thought we were having a girl. We just couldn't believe it. After the appointment, I went to the baby store. I wanted to pick out an outfit for a boy. I found the most adorable polo onesie with little white guitars on it. Even though I thought I was set on having a girl, I was excited. He was my baby. He was going to be our son. Knowing what he was made it that much more real. He was this little person growing inside me.
At the same appointment I found out that I was going to have to be monitored for gestational diabetes due to me having PCOS. I would have to prick my finger and test my blood levels throughout the day. I had to be on a very strict diet. No sugar, low carbs… and eat every two hours on the dot. It seemed so tedious and I had to completely change how I ate. But I would do anything for this baby. A few days later I felt my first flutter! I was lying in bed and I felt the smallest little movement. At first it scared me, and then I realized what it was. I could finally feel our baby. I could check on him, I could make sure he was ok.